Candlelight and Asphalt

My nightmares
woke themselves up sick
with sticky alarm clock noises,
windows taken out
of their frameworks,
tiptoe tapping out
their despair
on the hardwood floor,
glass shards stripping
whilst I watched
their sharp edges twisting
in the moonlight streams.
I slumped over in my
queen size bed,
sweat sex soaked
by some brassy whispered man
who drank screwdrivers
and laughed,
to cover awkward moments and
my eyes staring
through his head
to the back wall of my room,
wondering when all this
silly business
would be over and
he could stumble out,
into the streets,
leave me alone
with my candlelight.

Whether you wanted
to watch or not,
I danced trauma
out the body,
flooding onto the asphalt,
the way music embarks
on a journey down
your insides,
in the heat of the
pulsing lights,
mirror and make-up masks,
ghosts in their taunting sanctuaries,
blood in vials,
singing out its sweet syrup requiem,
calling upon the angels,
wanting to again
tangle and twist
round bones,
thump in veins
that resurrected
ideas of hell of heaven,
depending on the worn out weather,
and the days and the way
waves of ether energy
circuited the brain.

I could feel myself
pushing new waltzing
people away,
putting up fronts
and barriers,
fences so fierce
and foreboding,
because deep under the earth inside me,
I wanted to trust you,
believe that I deserved
love like yours,
but still quivering
in my storms
that raged in me
and the learned path
of wicked brier,
death and abuse,
the past ripping
my pained flesh
away from my
tender skin,
couldn’t turn off the
mayhem and flashbacks,
harsh manipulations,
fucks that made
me nauseous,
rapes of my innocent self,
cascades of
gritty egos and
religious doctrines
forced on me
under the cruel guise
of love and helping me out,
away from my perceived dirty habits.

I didn’t want to be saved
by the nasty likes of you,
licking the wounds
on me,
that you yourself
had inflicted
and then laughed about.
I purged your toxins
out of my system,
all day,
every day,
with a frozen shudder
in hopes that
I can rise above you,
out of the murky marshes,
into the delicate arms of trees,
looking skyward. 

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