Bipolar in the Mayhem City

I know you didn’t mean
to break my consecrated silence with
your bloody teeth,
but I had spent hours before your arrival
opening my third and fourth eyes
to try to find relief
and yet all I could see were torture visions
from the astral plane,
witnessing mamas holding their dead babes
and the blood of the innocent running ragged
through the streets,
feeling then the tantrum demons rise within my brain
who then held my head under the boiling waves
of the underworld,
and I screaming for deliverance,
or at least one full night of fucking sleep.

And when I finally
snapped out of my mind and back to the earth,
I told you in humiliated whispers
that I had been raped
by the devil
in the back of a red pick-up truck
that sat in your driveway, and
your response was to smirk
through your cigarettes
like my pain was a fucking punch line.
So I nailed my hands to the headboard
and swore to myself
that I would never let anyone
witness my
shape-shifting magic ever again,
thus to dull the phoenix burning within,
I spent hours taking shots of absinthe in the afternoon
and popping pills in bathroom stalls
to dumb myself down to “normal”,
whatever the fuck that means,
then sexing rough boys
who always called the next day and
I never picked up the phone,
instead sat in showers,
sobbing for hours,
rocking back and forth with my guilt
while razor blades and
bottles of asprin
sang me their sweet siren rhapsodies
all the way through the night,
into the morning hours,
rise and repeat.

But that was a few moons ago,
or maybe even years,
I cant quite remember,
and I know now
that I am getting better
at giving myself some grace
through the hard days,
bipolar in the mayhem city
(which I queried might just be
the Freud-fused American
of our modern day shamans),
yet either way these movements
flung me topsy-turvy,
deeply haunting me and growling loud still
within my heart and head.
In spite of it all though,
I am remembering to breath deeper now,
seek peace stronger now,
focus on my own healing and awakening
more fiercely so that I may
pass love on and heal the wounds of
whomever wanders my way.

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